musings of an aquarian age counterculturist


Unconscious Uncoupling

“Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars.
You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.”
– C. S. Lewis

So I have a Divorce Order in hand.

Shit sounds heavy.  But basically what a Divorce Order means in the Province of Ontario is that the marriage is dissolved 31 days following the date of the order.

The magic date, you wonder?  Let’s just say the wedding anniversary and divorce date shall forevermore converge.  Ironic, much?

The entire situation at this moment feels inexplicably odd.  A conclusion to the events comprising the train wreck that was 2013 is swiftly approaching in a thankfully undramatic fashion and with an unexpected neutrality of emotion.  The torrential rain of tears and grief that overtook me at the beginning of that story have pretty much dried up. Aside from a smidgen of PTSD, all that remains is a sense of relief.  I marvel at the thought of where I was, and where I am now, with a beautiful future flowering before me.

Lately I’ve given some consideration to the currently popular term “conscious uncoupling” with varying degrees of nausea.  For the few of us who actually had the opportunity to consciously choose to untangle ourselves from unhealthy relationships, I say: congrats on your decision!  For the rest of us, who were tossed into a toxic soup of misery and forced to sink or swim in the dark cold waters of grief, I say:  congrats on not drowning!

Perhaps it is more p.c. to refer to this divorce as “unconscious uncoupling” rather than “blindsided and tossed into a cesspool of shit”, but the song remains the same. That is to say:  Given the circumstances of said “uncoupling”, there really was no “conscious choice” involved here, at least not on my part.   That said, onward ho.  Yes, I’ll spare you from the myriad of jokes that particular phrase invokes in this situation.  You’re welcome 🙂

In any case.  The result of a door closing on that painful time is that another door has cracked open to a gorgeous new beginning filled with hope, love, support, peace and understanding.

I’ve come full circle and I’m so very grateful for the lovely path opening before me.

To those who rushed in with super-sized band-aids for my heart when I couldn’t find a way to stop the bleeding:  thank you.

To those who stood with me in the flames when I felt I was the last tree standing in a forest fire: you are my heroes.

To those who held me tight when I felt I could no longer stand on my own:  I love you.

To those going through similar turmoil and upset right now:  hold on.  Please hold on.  It gets better.  Truly, it does.


photo credit: google images

photo credit: google images

Resistance is Futile

Hello again lovelies!

I have been silent on the blog lately, but behind the scenes it has been anything but sedate.  It is continuously astounding to me how much can change in the space of a few short weeks.  Or, for that matter, in the blink of an eye.

My New York journey was a resounding success.  I spent a great deal of time exploring, writing old-school style in a notebook, attending classes, walking neighborhoods, reconnecting with old friends, discovering wonderful new ones.  My days were beyond busy and my heart was overflowingly full.  When moments of uncertainty or pain resurfaced and threatened to overwhelm, I fully experienced the feelings, uncomfortable or otherwise, and allowed them to pass through.  Good days or bad days, I was never alone.  I experienced every possible emotion on any given day.  I was happy.  I was sad.  I was excited.  I was angry.  I was tired.  I was rejuvenated.  But most consistently?  I was alive.  ALIVE!!!  I embraced it all.

This was more than a trip to a special place.  It was a journey to myself.  Something irrevocably changed inside me.  I accepted the idea that it is not only okay, but critically important at this juncture to move forward.  I gave myself permission to dream again.  I made room for hope.  The essence of who I am remains the same but my perception has altered.  The main difference is that I am ruthlessly kicking that which no longer serves to the curb.  I am embarking on a life more in alignment with what feels right and true for me.  It no longer matters whether it is by choice or by design.  Resistance is futile and I understand that there is no turning back.

It is true that fear is a great motivator and it definitely plays a role here.  The last year has brought a lot of change already, welcome or not, and to actively court more requires courage.  The thing is that staying the same, not moving, being stuck scares me more than jumping into the unknown ever could.

I am here to tell you that I have officially  jumped off the cliff in more ways than I can get into now.  The power of non-resistance is more relevant than ever.  A decision has been made and now it is time to let go and allow.  Please wish this recovering Type A much luck with that.

The next few weeks are filled with craziness:  moving, applying for school, attending counseling, filing papers for Stage 2 of Divorce, buying smaller pants.

Updates to follow.  Stay tuned!

resistance is futile

Photo credit: Google Images/Creator Unknown