You whispered in my hair while I rested my head on your shoulder. “I love you deeply, more than you will ever know or understand”, you said.
My heart swelled with immense gratitude and joy to finally for the first time in my life, in all my flawed beingness, feel so cherished and loved.
In that moment, I believed in the depths of my soul that I truly had everything. No amount of money, or success, or material things could match the value of that feeling. Nothing.
Since then it seems that you’ve forgotten that moment, transcended that place in time. Perhaps those words are now whispered into the ear of the one that is not me. The remnants of what I thought belonged only to us shredded and swallowed up by darkness, the dead zone of your heart.
Now, here I stand, the one left behind. Remembering every word, every kiss, every embrace. The tears come, unbidden still. In the beginning, the pain flooded in with the starkness of betrayal. Now it feels different. An aching emptiness. Deep loss. My memories expand in the realization of all that we shared; and my heart shrinks in recognition of your willful erasure of all that passed between us.
What was will never be again. It will never be the same for you and I.
That, I suppose, is the foundation of acceptance. Avoiding the truth of what is guarantees prolonged suffering. So I now make a conscious decision to sit with whatever emotion comes; breathing in the knowledge that the only way forward is refusing to look back.
There is nothing left to do but say thank you.
There is nothing left to do but say goodbye.
You loved me once. And I learned how to open my heart again. Thank you.
You stood by me once. And I learned that I need not stand alone in a difficult time. Thank you.
You were my best friend once. And I learned how beautiful it is to open up and trust; to accept the risk that inevitably accompanies vulnerability. Thank you.
You broke my heart. More than once. And I learned to allow myself to love freely and passionately. I learned how to let go fully and deeply. Thank you.
You forced me to say goodbye. And I learned that without endings, there are no beginnings.