musings of an aquarian age counterculturist

The Ghosts in Our Machine

Last night I attended the première of The Ghosts In Our Machine at Hot Docs.  More thoughts on this later.

For now my message is this:  SEE THIS FILM.

It is a beautiful and perception changing work that covers a difficult subject in a gentle and heart opening way.  Jo-Anne McArthur’s soulful photography is stunning.

To learn more:  The Ghosts in Our Machine

the ghosts in our machine


The Invisibles

So Prince Charming turned out to be a less than charming in the end.

As I move through the varying levels of grief that inevitably accompany a rite of passage; or in this case, the end of a significant relationship, I am forcing myself to address much that I would prefer to bury or ignore.

Before I met my best-friend-then-husband-turned-betrayer, by and large I felt that for the most part I was one of the walking “invisibles” of this world.  Inconsequential.  Insignificant. Unseen.

That perception dissipated as I allowed myself to trust and be free in a relationship with someone I loved.  When that relationship ended in a painful and unexpected way, my sense of trust was stretched and broken.  We’ve all been there, right?  Well maybe.  But collective wrongs don’t make a right.  Right?   Just sayin’.

And now, here I am again, at first blush, seemingly back where I started. Feeling invisible.  Noticing that few will even make eye contact.  Conversations out in the world for the most part feel stilted and limited.  Sanitized of meaning and connection.  I also recognize that this perception is coloured by my current state of confusion and uncertainty of the new ground I find myself standing on.

So now is the time of reckoning.  I am ditching the invisibility cloak.  Kicking judgment to the curb.

Life:  to you, I say:  surprise me!  (or show me how to surprise myself.)   Reveal the unseen, including me.  As the healing continues; please (please!) help me grow courage to understand and accept the lessons offered here.  Show me how to accept what is; so that my eyes and heart will be open to see the infinite possibilities that lie ahead.

I’m ready.  Lead the way.



Shelter in a Shitstorm

Ever notice that some of the most effing amazing epiphanies occur in the middle of chaos?  Yeah, me too.  While I could certainly do without the chaos, the epiphanies are pretty awesome.

Lately  it seems as though I am in a state of chronic confusion.  The phrase fits so well, I’ll say it again:  I am chronically confused.  Yes. I. Am.

Every area of my life where I once felt a sense of security, love and belonging disappeared along with the rug abruptly pulled out from under my feet.  Never saw it coming.  Does anyone?   I think we’ve all been there on one level or another.

Over the past month, I’ve been forced to face a lot of uncomfortable emotions and realizations.  Being off work recuperating from knee surgery in the middle of a major life transition has been both a blessing and a curse.  Blessing:  nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. Curse:  nowhere to run, nowhere to hide.

Counselling, a previously uncharted territory for me, is proving to be beyond helpful in the grieving process.   Having a safe space to say what I *really* feel; rather than pretending everything is okay for the sake of good manners is potent therapy in its own right.  And it is helping me let go.  I mean really LET GO of  any illusions of control; wishing to recreate the past, or hoping to predict the future.  There is no greater freedom than that.  In my mind, letting go represents genuine healing of the heart and soul.  Which goes way beyond the superficial big pharma prescription or avoidance technique.

Most interesting to me is the discovery of where a genuine safe haven exists in my life.  It does not come from other people, places or promises.

The saving grace I’ve uncovered in these pain riddled days?  Meditation.  The Inner Temple.  My meditation practise has become a healing sanctuary in the middle of a relentless shitstorm.

Don’t know where to find shelter?   Go within.

I highly recommend it.